My Sobriety

Hi! It is January 17th. I start my spring semester of senior year of college in a few days. This will be my last semester of school for the rest of my life, how terrifying! It's alright it will work out. In this post I wanted to discuss my sobriety. In high school I used to be a regular party girl, whatever you wanna call it. Parties and drinking/ smoking in Pennsylvania was extremely popular and normal. You weren't normal if you didn't drink or smoke, like most places. It was normal to drink/smoke before ANYTHING. Concerts, the movies, sports games, fairs, the beach etc. I started off drinking like normal. I always wondered why we were all drinking and everything though. I truly had no idea why everyone drank and smoked to have fun. I to this day feel the exact same from when I first thought that when I was 15. Maybe one day that thought will change, I don't know. In high school I would pretend to sip the drink. Or I would walk around with someone's empty beer can to seem normal. I still am guilty of that to this day at bars. I now am 21 years old, I don't drink or smoke. I use drinks for props in photoshoots. I try to drink and order drinks at bars but I typically never drink them or try a sip and instantly put it down. I truly don't know. I always had fun when I was sober and I still do! I don't know if my sobriety was ever a factor in causing my anxiety. I also don't know if my anxiety played a factor in my sobriety. I think it all plays off each other. Weed and alcohol started to make me absolutely terrified and just have general anxiety attacks. I've only attempted to drink in college 3 times and it was "Spring Fest" or Homecoming. I would get increasingly scared, and not feel relaxed whatsoever. I don't know if this will ever change but I hope it does because I've wanted to go out and enjoy a regular night at a club or bar drinking. Drinking and drugs are just truly and genuinely not in my daily routine or natural flow of life whatsoever. I never ever took drugs. I was drugged with a very small amount of ketamine (possibly was molly) when I was a junior in high school. I definitely had eye-opening panic attacks for an entire week. It was absolutely terrifying. From then I never had any type of drug in my system. I also tried a small amount of adderall once before SATS but does that really count come on. I did smoke weed for a short amount of time but it began to terrify me and give me panic attacks as well. None of this stuff ever sat right with me. I suppose my body is healthy being sober but I feel like my mental health is generally not so much. I feel like I'm constantly worried about having anxiety. My fears are feeling anxious. How silly is that!